Griswold and the Gremlins. A Satirical Essay

David Virtue DVirtue236 at AOL.COM
Mon May 21 00:43:54 EDT 2001


A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue

Griswold: "Welcome to 815 gentlemen. I see there are no women among
you. Not very inclusive, but do come in anyway. Now what can I do for
you today?"

Duncan: "Skip the pleasantries Frank. The Church is in a crisis..."

Griswold: "Crisis! What crisis? You've not been doing your Zen
meditation and walking the labyrinth lately, have you Bob? You need to
chill out. I know a great place where you can get a massage in New York
City. Then I'll take you all out to Sardis for lunch. Order the best
plonk. It's on me. Our coffers are full to overflowing these days. Life
is a credit card. ECUSA may even issue its own card we are so wealthy.
Now what really brings you here?"

Ackerman: "Frank, you've got problems coming out your ears. Jane Dixon
is creating an international scandal with what she is doing to one
orthodox priest in her diocese, and the Episcopal Women's Caucus, the
church's real live femi-nazis are trying to break into my diocese and
push their people onto my parishes! Louie Crew did an end run round you
and the Executive Council on an all-expenses paid trip to the Sudan and
smoked out a sympathetic Ugandan bishop for an Integrity African
chapter, and the church's homosexualists have a flat foot doing a
number on Virtuosity's website. The list could go on and on."

Griswold: "Keith, don't sweat it. This too shall pass. I've told the
ladies to back off, and Jane's problems will blow over. Give it time.
Furthermore I'm spending most of my time these days slamming Internet
"communication" at every opportunity I can. My new brilliant Director
of Communications is helping me to do that. Give it time and I'll bury
Virtuosity. As I said, don't sweat the small stuff. Think pluriformity

Iker: "The hell it will Frank. This thing ain't going to go away. The
British Forward in Faith gave Jane a couple of punches this past week.
Could be a knockout if Carey weighs in again. Furthermore it would take
only one sitting bishop to cross jurisdictional lines when Dixon makes
her call next Sunday and you've got a real crisis on your hands."

Griswold: "You worry too much Jack. I've got Carey where I want him. If
he starts thinking otherwise I'll set Phoebe on to him. She's the best
feel-your-pain person I know. Look what she did at the Oporto Primate's
meeting for goodness sake. She manufactured a whole B.S. story about a
confrontation that never happened. Sidelined the whole Primate's
meeting. Bloody brilliant of my Phoebe. And as for some bishop crossing
boundaries; it won't happen. Trust me."

Moyer: "It's apparent that you don't really share our views or
understand our place in the worldwide Anglican Communion and the
persecution we are facing in the Episcopal Church as orthodox  priests
over women's ordination and sexuality issues..."

Griswold: "What persecution David? As a sign of inclusivity I have even
gone to the local Roman Catholic Church to take mass, in jeans, how
much more catholic do you want me to be? Furthermore the truly
persecuted, marginalized and misunderstood are the Church's gays and
lesbians. You clearly don't feel THEIR pain, David."

Moyer: "But bishop...

Griswold: "No buts or butts David. You're thinking is way too narrow.
Why just the other day I was talking to the Dalai Lama about the need
for more dialogue between us. We may even go to a Buddhist retreat
center for a week of spiritual bliss. He really understands
pluriformity, how come you guys don't get with the program?"

Moyer: "But bishop..."

Griswold: "David, David, David, the kind of narrow exclusive thinking
you continue to propagate is finished. It's a whole New World out
there. Think globalist. Bag the smells and bells except for the odd
occasion you need it. Dress up, that always impresses the natives. Look
good; kiss a lot of fannies and schmooze.. The name of the game is
public relations, David. Just ask Bennison. He's brilliant at it. He
doesn't believe very much, but hell he knows how to put on a good show.
Now that's the secret David.  Put on a good show. The performance is
everything. Nobody cares what you really BELIEVE. It's the show that
counts. Look at what I did in Denver. Think Broadway David. Think

Iker: "But the church is coming unglued Frank. Furthermore the average
age of the average Episcopalian is 66; there won't be a next generation
unless we get them converted."

Griswold: "Heavens Jack, you worry too much about the future. Nobody
knows what the future holds. I actually think someone said that. Look
we've just gone to bed with the Lutherans, together we can hold off the
inevitable for at least another decade.  Furthermore we now have lots
of money. Life is good."

Iker: "Same world, same flesh same Devil, Frank. Same Hell too."

Griswold: "Gracious Jack what sort of universe do you think we are
living in...?"

Iker: "Same as it always was Frank. Same desires, same lusts, same
sins. No change.
Just some re-minted ideas along with palm pilots, hair transplants and

Griswold: "You've been living in Fort Worth too long Jack. If you lived
in New York City where sexual diversity is the name of the game you
wouldn't be so hung up about being hetero. Hell it's only one sexuality
among many. C'mon guys bear with me here. Even Louie is passe. We've
got serious transgendered persons ready to become priests. What am I
supposed to do?"

Iker: "Refuse them Frank."

Griswold: "Refuse them! REFUSE THEM! If I did that I would have 70
bishops dumping a presentment on me for lacking inclusion, and they
would be lead by Bishop Spong. Look what happened to Winterrowd and Ci
Jones! Hell I like this job. You guys are a dying minority and I know
which side my bread is buttered on."


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