Rapper Puff Daddy Seeks Holy Orders in ECUSA

David Virtue DVirtue236 at AOL.COM
Wed Feb 16 01:05:03 EST 2000


A satirical essay.
An exclusive interview with young Rock Star

By David W. Virtue

"Mr. Daddy I'm delighted that you would allow me to interview you, most
bishops in my church wouldn't."

"David, just call me Puff, my friends do, and I'm glad to oblige. The more
visibility the better I always say."

"Now when did you feel the call to become a priest, Puff?"

Well I was doing a concert in Boston one night David when this black woman
came up to me all dressed in purple and said she was some suffering bishop or

"You mean Suffragan, Puff...

"Whatever. She said that the Episcopal Church was running out of priests and
lay people but that they had plenty of bishops to go around, and they wanted
to attract the next generation of young people into the Church and would I
consider becoming a priest. I gotta tell ya David when some black chick whose
older than Methuselah asks me to be a priest who am I to argue?"

"Of course you wouldn't, Puff. Not with Barbara Harris you wouldn't. Not if
you fancy keeping your equipment and all. And I don't mean clothes and

"Ere, what does that mean?"

"Never mind. So what did you decide to do?"

"Well I felt something hot come all over me, I shook a bit, and Harris told
me that it was the Holy Ghost and all and that I was being called."

"Did you believe her?"

"How could I not? I figured I probably just needed something to eat as I had
been smoking grass for five days non-stop, but Harris said I was definitely
being called. Wot struck me was that she said I would not have to give up
anything to be a priest. That was a very moving moment. She called it e-piss
up. I thought it was an Internet service.

"I think you mean epiphany."

"Whatever. She then asked me if I would be willing to appear before a panel
of bishops to answer some questions and if I gave the right answers, then I
would go off to some seminary for a year then become a priest. I asked her if
I could bring my main squeeze Mary with me to seminary, as we were not
married and all."

"What did she say?"

"She said that was no problem. Gawd was I impressed. She said my living
arrangements and my morals were my own business and not the business of
anybody else especially the church's. I was just to relax and enjoy myself
and learn about inclusivity. After a year of that I would be constipated."

"I think you mean consecrated."


"What happened next?"

"About a week later I got a letter in the mail asking me to appear in
Washington, DC before this bunch of bishops to answer some questions. I must
admit I felt very uncomfortable about this, David. I knew the son of a bishop
once in England and he was a right nana. He turned out to be queer, left home
and lived with Horace down in Cheapside, London. Never heard from 'im again.
But I figured there weren't no queers in The Episcopal Church, as I was into
bangin' broads and all."

"Your eyes were about to be opened Puff."

"Gawd, were they ever. Well I found a purple shirt and Mary put a large
metallic cross round my neck. I dyed my hair purple especially for the
occasion and got into some really tight pants that concealed nuffing. I was

"What happened then?"

"Well I was ushered into this room where all these bishops dressed in purple
sat and they stood up to greet me. They shook my hand and one of them; some
fellow called Shaw gave me a big bear hug. It lasted for at least five
minutes. They asked me to sit down and gave me coffee. I was real glad for
that as I was still pretty stoned on grass the night before and it helped
clear the cobwebs and all."

"What happened then?"

"This woman Jane Dixon, I gather she's another suffering bishop and all and
who really runs the show down there in Washington, asked me if I believed in
the Virgin Mary?"

"What did you say?"

"I said I had never met a virgin, especially a Mary, and if I had she wasn't
one for long."

"What did they do?"

"They all stood up and cheered."

"Well this fellow Haines, I gather he's the Bishop of Washington asked me if
I believed in the reserection."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him I had one last one night but Mary (not the Virgin) said she had a
headache and wasn't interested."

"What did they do?"

"Funny thing that David. They all stood up and cheered again. I was batting a
thousand with these guys."

"What happened next?"

"Some other bishop asked me if I believed in the atonement. Now that was a
question I could answer. I told them that "The Atonements" was one of the
best rock groups around and I would have them play repeatedly in my parish.
They have this great number called 'Nearer my body to thee'."

"Then what happened?"

"They roared their approval. I gotta tell ya David; this was one real funky
group of people. Never met any group like them."

"Trust me when I tell you, Puff, some of us haven't either."

"Then they asked me what my stand was about homosexuality in society and the

"Now I thought this was a trick question and all, but this guy Frank Griswold
kept looking at me with his wrist very limp and I had the feeling that I was
walking into a minefield."

"What did you say Puff?"

"I thought about it for a long time David and then I said that whoever was
bonking whom was nobody's business but there's and that I certainly wasn't
going to ask questions about people's sex life and all."

"That was a very good answer Puff. Better than you knew."

"Of course the Harris woman tipped my hand on this David."

"What happened then Puff?"

"You're not going to believe this, David. They all got up, formed a circle
around me and started doing something the head guy called the Circle Dance of

"That's Dispossession Puff."

"I was amazed, David. You'd thought I scored a home run."

"Puff; believe me when I tell you that you did."

"This guy Griswold gave me a big bear hug followed by all the others and then
they said I was ready for seminary. They said I was to go to some place
called EDS in Massachusetts. I thought that sounded like LSD and wondered if
it had the same effect.
They assured me it didn't, but I could take all the drugs I needed and Mary
could come too. They only cautioned that I should do it in my room and I had
to be moderately sober for classes."

"Bishop Shaw said that some fellow called Louie Crew had gotten an honorary
doctorate from EDS for a lifetime promoting sodomy in the Church. I almost
fell off my chair, but by then I was getting used to surprises and all.

Then some retired bishop called Otis Charles (who I later learned was gay
himself) asked me what I thought of the church's Primates and their views on
homosexuality. He had a smug superior look on his face when he asked it so I
reckon I knew where he was coming from. So I said that the last primate I saw
was in the London Zoo and he looked very happy as he had a lot of other
female monkeys to play with but he had a boyfriend in the far corner of the
cage if he wanted to go the other way."

"How did they respond Puff Daddy?"

"Blimey, David. That was clearly the right answer as they all roared their
approval. Then Presiding Bishop Griswold said that after a year learning
about inclusivity at Seminary he would personally ordain me to the ministry
right here in Washington National Cathedral and I could bring my own rock
band. Bishop Haines nodded his head vigorously and said as how he had just
held a service there without mentioning the name of Jesus once and I would
fit in real nicely."

"How did it end Puff?"

"Well this fellow Bishop Shaw said that when I was in seminary I could always
go on holy retreats at the Society of St. John the Evangelist in Boston where
he knew the superior Martin Smith quite well. He said I would have to leave
Mary at home. He said I would have to be celibate for a weekend. I told him
that I could celebrate any time he wanted with whomever. He just smiled a


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